I Am False.

Tue, 12 May 2009 05:16:45 GMT

Am I done?

Or do I still have more to do?

The second doesn't weight quite a much anymore.

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 02:47:09 GMT

Is lost.

I don't know how much more waiting I can take.

Day becomes night, night becomes day, I wake up do nothing, I sleep and wake up to do nothing more. I feel like I am this close from the next logical step.

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 04:31:16 GMT

You know sometimes I think that I must be insane, that there is no way one person can get so frustrated, can feel so angry, can want such hate. I try to accept, I try to given those a chance, a chance to play by the rules and not screw me over. I try not to hold hate, hold anger, and given those a chance to do what they are suppose to do. But in the back of my mind I know what to expect from them even if I want to have no expectations. I know that people will always fail me, that I can never count on them for anything, ever. That I can never count on anyone, I mean why should I believe that I can even rely on a person at all? I am not them, I don't know their mind and what they think. I can only assume that they are human and that they are completely and helplessly flawed. If I ever want anything done in my life, let me rephrase that if I ever want anything done correctly and efficiently in my life I have to do it myself. I want to be able to think I can rely on people that maybe people are what I think, but you know what I haven't been proven wrong in my thinking process yet. And you know what? Is that not sad? I mean not for me but what it says about the human race that when I have to rely on them, I get nothing.
How is it that when I play by the rules and when I actually need assistance because it's not technically within my abilities to do something about it, that I am never helped. How is this possible? What good is playing by the rules, what good is this order I expect to be maintained?

I mean I've felt so frustrated, so angry, so full of hate that all I wanted was just more anger, to feel more hate because I can't do anything about it. It's not within my abilities to do anything because I have no control over the situation.

I mean have you ever just become so angry and frustrated that you just completely act calm? That you become so enraged that you feel tired? You build up this energy inside you and it has no outlet to go anywhere. Why? Because I don't want to be the kind of person who just unleashes rage when I get angry. Why? Because I am definitely better then that, and I know if I become angry they win.

You know I really would have liked to be a slightly different person, that I didn't have this kind of rage, this angry and hate in me, I mean no one knows how fucking pissed off I can get because I'll never let all of it out.

I really would have liked to believe in humanity instead of knowing in the back of my mind that the human race is not something I should bet on. I know without a shadow of a doubt that were not worth it. And it's just sad really, not for me but for humanity. We're suppose to be a higher life form and yet all we can ever do is fail.

I don't think there will ever be people I can truly trust or even rely on, not if I already know that I should expect nothing more then failure and disappointment from them.

Oh and this is about Comcast service by the way. But it pretty much can apply to the rest of humanity.

Random thoughts or are they?

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 18:08:27 GMT

I only sleep because I am tired. I no longer look forward to it. I feel disappointed with my days, I don't deserve sleep until I've accomplished my day.

A New Year

Thu, 01 Jan 2009 08:20:42 GMT

2008 has come to past. It's been some kind of year, eventful and uneventful. Most of the eventful things to happen in 2008 came pretty late in the year, well really at the end of it. First one to graduate from college in my family, met my little niece, obtained my driver's license, getting freelance work for 3d modeling. It's been a great way for me to wrap up the year. To be honest other then those things I've listed I don't remember much of 2008 so I am going to assume it was pretty boring most of the time.

With the closing of 2008 means an end to things. Good things and bad things, they have to end at some point. Friendships are lost, a new perspective is found. 2009 is gonna hopefully be an awesome year. I plan to do somethings I've yet to do in my life. I am getting pscyhed up for this summer. Hopefully if all is planned well it'll be a summer I won't forget, 2009 can be a story I can tell people. Maybe it'll mean my life can be more interesting.

I can't form the words in my head to keep writing, but I've been thinking a lot lately, thinking about my life, the lives of friends and it's comparison. I want to kinda clear my mind of it all. Lay it all out and take a step back to see the bigger picture. I want to write about it but I think I'll have to leave that for another entry, but one very soon.

Good Bye 2008, you were interesting. Hello 2009, what can you offer me?

So I was at a Vietnamese engagement party... or was it a wedding?

Mon, 29 Dec 2008 02:28:17 GMT

It's been so long since I've been to one, I am pretty sure I was a kid the last time I went to such an event. But you know what? It's pretty much the same like it's always been except this one's a bit more low key.

It's pretty amazing the kinda ritual that we go through to signify the unity of two people, two families really. But it's always made me realize how so out of place I felt. I mean this is part of my culture, these are the things my parents are probably expecting me to go through. But just sitting there, witnessing it all makes me realize how out of place I was, I mean I didn't really know anyone except for some of the adults. There were no one around my age there. It just made me more out of place with it, made me realize how I am not really part of my culture.

But I guess that's what you get when you have a family who really sticks to much of the old ways and then have kids in a foreign land. I mean I didn't really grow up with too many Vietnamese kids my age, I was usually the only asian kid in the mix, so how could I be expected to retain my culture really? How can I be expected to go through the same kind of ritual? It's kinda funny though, an asian kid who is not really asian.

I am caught between a rift, caught between two worlds and no place to call home. I can't be this and I can't be that.

I've seen other asian kids throughout my life who aren't really in the same situation as me. Other kids who had other kids there age, which meant they could retain their culture easier. I mean it's really hard for me to speak people who aren't my direct family in vietnamese, it just feels awkward to me.

It's funny how situations mold you into something you can't choose to be. I can never be that asian kid. I can only be me standing in limbo.

I'll always be looking out never able to move.

The only thing that makes sense in this world is laughter.

I Am False

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 09:08:11 GMT

I am fake. I don't have to feel it anymore. I just am.

That is all.

Time is growing but not me

Fri, 28 Nov 2008 07:24:02 GMT

It's really weird this year, well maybe not weird but strange.

Each holiday I usually travel with my family out to the country to have dinner with my mom and brother's sponsors for getting them in the country. All these people are there, family on my sister in law's side. Vietnamese friends of my brother. It's a bunch of us, probably 20. I've gone every life as far back as I can remember. I was the baby there, I was the child there, I was the teen there. The house has stayed about the same side every year too small to fit us all. But now, things are crazy seeming. Just about everyone has babies now. There were at least 6 or something babies there. Like everyone has children now, it's crazy these people use to be the teens, then the married adults and now the parents. Even my brother and sister in law have a child now. It's so weird last year probably this time I am sure there were no babies or at least not this many. Now everyone has one. It's so weird, it just makes me feel like time has moved past me, like time has grew but I am still the same.

Babies are everywhere. I mean I have a niece now, probably one I won't see often, probably one that will barely remember me as she ages as I won't be in the picture really. It's just funny. There is a joke in all this somewhere, I just need to find it.

It happens every fucking time

Tue, 14 Oct 2008 00:51:27 GMT

I just lost about 2 Terabyte worth of data. All my work files, images, movies, music, just all around stuff! I can't fucking believe this! I can't even express anger, it really feels like someone just died, I feel so very depressed now. I don't want to do anything anymore. Just lay on the ground and cry myself to death. That's over 3 years worth of data collected and downloaded. I don't even know where to start in recovering it. I fucking hate how risky it feels to collect electronic information. I mean when the amount of data gets up in the Terabytes how the fuck am I suppose to back that stuff up? That's a shit load of dvds just to backup 2 terabytes, I mean 500 dvds for 2 terabytes? That's fucking ridiculous!

Moments like this have happened so much in my freaking life! Losing data every fucking time, Am I never gonna be able to just keep stuff! It's like it's some kind of fucking cycle that happens whenever I think things are cool and things are just working fine for a short amount of time, BAM! something fucks up! I am so fucking tired of this, why can't these things just go correctly in my fucking life. I don't want much in life I don't do much in life, this is all I have, this is the only fucking path I can walk, and now that 2 Terabyte worth of time and data is just fucking gone.

2TB lost forever. Fuck everything.

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 23:38:59 GMT

So I am done. Not what?

I follow others because it's cool.

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 09:08:15 GMT

Your result for The Attachment Style Test...

The Hermit

36% Anxiety Over Abandonment and 64% Avoidance Of Intimacy

You prefer to be alone, without strong emotional ties. You know from experience that people usually leave anyway, and that it's probably best that you don't get too attached. You prefer plenty of alone time, and have learned to entertain yourself. Part of you suspects that this is more to protect others than yourself.

Fictional character with whom you might identify: V (V for Vendetta), Rogue (X Men)

Other Attachment Types:
Secure:	The Unicorn	\|	The Cuddleslut	\|	The Free Agent
Preoccupied:	The Cling Wrap	\|	The Squid	\|	The Insect
Fearful:	The Doormat	\|	The Leper	\|	The Exile
Dismissing:	The Hermit	\|	The Stone	\|	The Player
Confused:	The Waffler

Take The Attachment Style Test at HelloQuizzy

Your result for The Zombie Apocalypse Personality Test...

The Foot Soldier

52% Aggression and 44% Leadership!

You are the Foot Soldier. Solid, determined, and capable, you do what needs to be done. You don't go looking to start fights, but you don't have a problem with ending them. Preferring others to lead, you serve to protect the core of the group while others think the big thoughts.

Take The Zombie Apocalypse Personality Test at HelloQuizzy

Hilarious if your IT savy. Or maybe if your not.

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 03:52:28 GMT

Just saw this from Digg and it is the most hilarious video I've seen so far. If your you know your way around computers then you should hopefully find this funny as well.

http://www.break.com/index/it-guy-vs-dumb-employees.html

Feeling in

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 06:57:05 GMT

I feel like I am in such a rut. Something needs to change or happen.

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 08:31:46 GMT

J-Dramas.
Weird.
I've been watching them lately, interesting to say the least. But they're definitely quite good it seems. Motivating too sometimes it feels.

Stop!

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 04:28:47 GMT

Break time. The next couple of months is gonna be hell or at least I hope so. I think I am going to need it to be like a hell. We'll what becomes of me in the fall. Will I sink or will I float.

Falling

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 07:18:53 GMT

I'm falling.
............
...........
.........
........
....... .
...... .
..... .
.... .
... .
.. o
.
____________________________________________

I don't think I want to get up. So close to the end but so bored in the process.

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 09:27:36 GMT

So I watched Juno and Stardust yesterday/todayish. Both are really great and funny movies and both happen to be about finding true love I guess. Boy is that idea always being tossed around in a movie. Anyhow if you haven't seen Stardust I would recommend it as it's rather good and very much so enjoyable.

Now I bid you a good morning.

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 07:58:17 GMT

So funny question. Do your eyes tear when you go to sleep at night?

Fri, 14 Dec 2007 08:34:55 GMT

Traveling always makes me nervous. Strange.

Also this made me laugh, lots. But it's wrong if it ever comes down to this.
20

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 08:50:42 GMT

It's funny. I don't know why but I keep checking my LJ friends page like constantly. It's become a habit now. Every few hours I would check to see if friends have posted anything on here, just so I can read and make a fool's attempt at trying to keep up with old friends. Trying to stay in the loop as it were. I really need to stop. I really need to close down this account seeing as I barely use it for anything really, I don't post anything but I keep hoping to read interesting personal stories from friends. Hoping for some insight to a life I don't attempt to keep track of in person. Oh well maybe this just the ramblings of an old man.

Anyhow this is it. 6 more days of life here in Chicago until I head back to old Rochester. I have mixed feelings about going back simply because all my stuff has been relocated here in Chicago, my whole life has been relocated to Chicago. Rochester doesn't really have anything left but my roots. But it'll be good to see a bunch of old faces again and once I am back home I'll probably want to stay a lot longer than I can afford. 3 Weeks is a lot but at the same time it's not.

This is probably gonna be my last real break in my life maybe? After this is what I like to call the long run. I'll be finished with school come October I believe. So that means I need to get my portfolio ready and in shape and hoping that I can find some kind of internship or even work for that matter once I am done. I'll have a little over half a year to see what I can accomplish. This is one of my test in life. Do I have self worth? I'll know when I am done.

Well enough side tracking. Time to sign off of this entry.

Sat, 10 Nov 2007 19:51:10 GMT

What a strangely depressing week it's been for me. I've gotten so pissed off at the financial aid department that I can't even express it.
I think I am getting stressed out because my eyes are tweaking a bit here and there.
Also the strangest thing my left eye feels like I hit something or I got punched there because it feels puffy and bruise. But I don't see any bruise mark or anything puffy looking.

I really don't feel like doing much. Is my time over with yet?

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 07:06:23 GMT

It's 2 AM. Oh did I mention I hate animation?

Tired or sometime

Sat, 20 Oct 2007 09:40:00 GMT

So I just watched the anime BECK. It's a anime focused on music. I have to say it's pretty damn awesome. It made me nostalgic for the past which is kinda weird.

Meme from Mike from Dylan

Fri, 12 Oct 2007 12:52:58 GMT

20 years ago: I was nothing

15 years ago: I was in school

10 years ago: I was in school

5 years ago: I was in high school

1 year ago: I was still in College

So far this year: Nothing of great importance has happened. I still go to school. No progress in life.

Yesterday: Got up at 10am, went to school to work then went to class.

Today: I plan to deposit my check, buy some comics, eat lunch, go to a meeting then play some Team Fortress 2 with some co workers.

Tomorrow: A bit of down time and school work.

Fri, 05 Oct 2007 16:58:23 GMT

What's Your Best Quality? Your Result: Sense of Humor Your best quality is your sense of humor! People like you because you can find humor in any situation. You love to make people laugh. This makes you a fun person to be around.
Ambitious
Intelligence
Loving
Personality
Out-Going
What's Your Best Quality? Take More Quizzes

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	High
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Low
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Low
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	Low
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	Low
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	Low
Dependent Personality Disorder:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Low
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

Which Positive Quality Are You? Your Result: Faith You are Faith. Faith is the belief in better things, in spite of the cynicism and doubt that swirls around us. Faith gives us strength; it inpsires us to move forward and follow our hearts. "Faith tells us what the senses do not."
Peace
Friendship
Courage
Charity
Love
Which Positive Quality Are You?

What type of person do you attract? Your Result: You attract geeks! Your stunning intellect and love of sci-fi and video games allures the geeks like nothing else. Maybe it is the sparkle in your eye that makes them want to text you, who knows. Geeks make good partners, but tend to be arguementative. If you are a TRUE geek magnet, you will know if that was spelled correctly, and actually care. If it is a bad-boy/bad-girl you are seeking, you are barking up the wrong tree, unless they are just 'bad' behind a PS2 console.
You attract artsy people!
You attract unstable people!
You attract rednecks!
You attract Yuppies!
You attract models!
What type of person do you attract? Quizzes for MySpace

Bored