May 12th, 2009

Time: 12:15 am

Am I done? Or do I still have more to do? The second doesn't weight quite a much anymore.

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February 26th, 2009

Time: 08:45 pm

Is lost. I don't know how much more waiting I can take. Day becomes night, night becomes day, I wake up do nothing, I sleep and wake up to do nothing more. I feel like I am this close from the next logical step.

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January 29th, 2009

Time: 10:14 pm Current Mood: enraged

You know sometimes I think that I must be insane, that there is no way one person can get so frustrated, can feel so angry, can want such hate. I try to accept, I try to given those a chance, a chance to play by the rules and not screw me over. I try not to hold hate, hold anger, and given those a chance to do what they are suppose to do. But in the back of my mind I know what to expect from them even if I want to have no expectations. I know that people will always fail me, that I can never count on them for anything, ever. That I can never count on anyone, I mean why should I believe that I can even rely on a person at all? I am not them, I don't know their mind and what they think. I can only assume that they are human and that they are completely and helplessly flawed. If I ever want anything done in my life, let me rephrase that if I ever want anything done correctly and efficiently in my life I have to do it myself. I want to be able to think I can rely on people that maybe people are what I think, but you know what I haven't been proven wrong in my thinking process yet. And you know what? Is that not sad? I mean not for me but what it says about the human race that when I have to rely on them, I get nothing. How is it that when I play by the rules and when I actually need assistance because it's not technically within my abilities to do something about it, that I am never helped. How is this possible? What good is playing by the rules, what good is this order I expect to be maintained? I mean I've felt so frustrated, so angry, so full of hate that all I wanted was just more anger, to feel more hate because I can't do anything about it. It's not within my abilities to do anything because I have no control over the situation. I mean have you ever just become so angry and frustrated that you just completely act calm? That you become so enraged that you feel tired? You build up this energy inside you and it has no outlet to go anywhere. Why? Because I don't want to be the kind of person who just unleashes rage when I get angry. Why? Because I am definitely better then that, and I know if I become angry they win. You know I really would have liked to be a slightly different person, that I didn't have this kind of rage, this angry and hate in me, I mean no one knows how fucking pissed off I can get because I'll never let all of it out. I really would have liked to believe in humanity instead of knowing in the back of my mind that the human race is not something I should bet on. I know without a shadow of a doubt that were not worth it. And it's just sad really, not for me but for humanity. We're suppose to be a higher life form and yet all we can ever do is fail. I don't think there will ever be people I can truly trust or even rely on, not if I already know that I should expect nothing more then failure and disappointment from them. Oh and this is about Comcast service by the way. But it pretty much can apply to the rest of humanity.

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January 19th, 2009

Subject: Random thoughts or are they? Time: 01:07 pm

I only sleep because I am tired. I no longer look forward to it. I feel disappointed with my days, I don't deserve sleep until I've accomplished my day.

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January 1st, 2009

Subject: A New Year Time: 02:09 am

2008 has come to past. It's been some kind of year, eventful and uneventful. Most of the eventful things to happen in 2008 came pretty late in the year, well really at the end of it. First one to graduate from college in my family, met my little niece, obtained my driver's license, getting freelance work for 3d modeling. It's been a great way for me to wrap up the year. To be honest other then those things I've listed I don't remember much of 2008 so I am going to assume it was pretty boring most of the time. With the closing of 2008 means an end to things. Good things and bad things, they have to end at some point. Friendships are lost, a new perspective is found. 2009 is gonna hopefully be an awesome year. I plan to do somethings I've yet to do in my life. I am getting pscyhed up for this summer. Hopefully if all is planned well it'll be a summer I won't forget, 2009 can be a story I can tell people. Maybe it'll mean my life can be more interesting. I can't form the words in my head to keep writing, but I've been thinking a lot lately, thinking about my life, the lives of friends and it's comparison. I want to kinda clear my mind of it all. Lay it all out and take a step back to see the bigger picture. I want to write about it but I think I'll have to leave that for another entry, but one very soon. Good Bye 2008, you were interesting. Hello 2009, what can you offer me?

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December 28th, 2008

Subject: So I was at a Vietnamese engagement party... or was it a wedding? Time: 09:10 pm Current Mood: rejected

It's been so long since I've been to one, I am pretty sure I was a kid the last time I went to such an event. But you know what? It's pretty much the same like it's always been except this one's a bit more low key. It's pretty amazing the kinda ritual that we go through to signify the unity of two people, two families really. But it's always made me realize how so out of place I felt. I mean this is part of my culture, these are the things my parents are probably expecting me to go through. But just sitting there, witnessing it all makes me realize how out of place I was, I mean I didn't really know anyone except for some of the adults. There were no one around my age there. It just made me more out of place with it, made me realize how I am not really part of my culture. But I guess that's what you get when you have a family who really sticks to much of the old ways and then have kids in a foreign land. I mean I didn't really grow up with too many Vietnamese kids my age, I was usually the only asian kid in the mix, so how could I be expected to retain my culture really? How can I be expected to go through the same kind of ritual? It's kinda funny though, an asian kid who is not really asian. I am caught between a rift, caught between two worlds and no place to call home. I can't be this and I can't be that. I've seen other asian kids throughout my life who aren't really in the same situation as me. Other kids who had other kids there age, which meant they could retain their culture easier. I mean it's really hard for me to speak people who aren't my direct family in vietnamese, it just feels awkward to me. It's funny how situations mold you into something you can't choose to be. I can never be that asian kid. I can only be me standing in limbo. I'll always be looking out never able to move. The only thing that makes sense in this world is laughter.

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November 30th, 2008

Subject: I Am False Time: 04:06 am

I am fake. I don't have to feel it anymore. I just am. That is all.

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